Adoption - Gratefully Wrecked

I'm pretty sure no one reads these posts, so I'm just putting this out there for my own sense of sanity as I try to purge every sense of selfishness in order to discern clearly what it is that God wants to have me do. 

I fully believe that God often reveals things to us when we stop asking questions like, "What's going to happen?" or "If I do this then what?"  Often my desire is to be 100% secure in the results before I make a choice.  I try to guarantee that I will know how a new TV will perform in my home in real life situations before I buy it.  I try to guarantee I will make the most money possible by waiting to the absolutely last moment to cash in on a stock trade.  I try to guarantee that if I go to an expensive all you can eat place that I will see to it that I get my money's worth (it's one reason why I've quit going to buffets).

Often the results of my mountain of research and desire to be as close to 100% confident as possible is disappointment.  I've often waited too long to sell a stock or to buy a stock. I still have not bought a TV because I'm looking for that perfect combination between flawless picture and really low price.  And I haven't been to an "all you can eat" place in some time.  In other words, my desire for confidence, my desire for reduced risk...for the sure thing has caused me to miss out on huge opportunities for growth.  And I'm not just talking about opportunities that are financial or for pleasure.  I'm talking about everyday life opportunities have been missed because I failed to make a decision.  The key to my indecisiveness has been that I have failed to seek the opinions, commands, and wisdom of God in my decisions.

On Friday this came to a head.  I'm sitting on a plane that eventually never takes off.  While sitting there waiting for it to be fixed I get a call from Jill Baker, our adoption agent.  She updated me on the situation and it was more of the same concerning that Alex, our soon to be son is ready and we can move on him at any moment.  Fiona, our soon to be daughter; however, is still a big unknown.  In Uganda they are very prudent in making sure that when they can a child isn't being traffiked.  So, they interview all of the living relatives to make sure that all of them are willing to allow the child to be adopted.  This is a really good thing when those in authority do their job.  Fiona's family lives a couple of hours away from the probation officer, aka social worker.  He has been unwilling to follow through with his interviews.  The mother, dying of AIDS, even came to meet with the probation officer and he disappeared for a week.  So, here this little girl sits in limbo, but of course she has no idea any of this is happening behind the scenes.

It's caused me to see a new perspective as God looks down on His people, His kids, and He knows what could be and yet because of our refusal to follow through on being diligent in aligning ourselves with the commands of God we and those around us remain in an orphanage thinking that this is as good as it gets.  I'm beginning to see co-workers and friends as orphans, and I believe I need to begin helping them see what's going on behind the scenes so that they can go home.

Back to the story.  After the update Jill springs, "Alex's mother has been coming to the orphanage asking them to take Alex's little sister.  I think that we could get things turned around pretty quickly on her if you wanted to go that route."

Now if you were to read my last post (http://18dollars.blogspot.com/2008_09_01_archive.html) you'd know how we go to this point.  So, there is now a plan C, a plan D, and a plan E.

Plan C involves forsaking Fiona and adopting Alex and his little sister.  Still two kids, still in the age range, and still in need of a home.  Plan D involves sticking with Fiona and Alex and maybe considering Alex's sister once she comes to the orphanage.  Plan E involves bringing home all three.  That's right...three.

There was an awkward moment of silence on my end, but I immediately knew that I was done trying to guarantee the results of this process.  Instead I need to discern the will and heart of God for my family and for these children.  I told Jill that my head wanted more data, but my heart knew that the only solution to this problem was the Holy Spirit.

I'll blog about this later, but I'm now into day five of my fasting and praying and I feel no closer to the choice than I did when I got the news.  At the same time I am being transformed, and the new perspectives I am getting is only a product of trusting God for sustenance.  Now may He who knows what my future would look like with never adopting, as well as what it would look like with one, two, or three reveal to me the BEST choice...the choice that will bring Him glory.  Any of you out there reading this...I'd covet your prayers too.